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Wife Finding Skills

‘In the multitude of counsellors, there is safety’. It is wise to learn from people who have travelled the road ahead of you. You can incorporate best practices they share into your own life and avoid the pitfalls they bring to your notice. A patron of the Chapel Choir in school shared one of such tips with us during a rehearsal. He was engaged to be married at that time and told us he started praying about his wife several years before. He sounded like the whole process was easier as a result so I decided to do the same.

I prayed about everything I could think of – from my future husband’s exams, to gaining admission into the university, to having healthy relationships, giving his life to Christ, and I remember asking God to help him not to make mistakes that would leave permanent scars capable of negatively impacting our life together.

Then one day I read in the Bible that ‘He who finds a wife finds a good thing…’ So I started asking God to give him all the ‘wife finding skills’ he needed so he could find me with ease. I was in the choir, I attended fellowship regularly and I studied engineering so I had a lot of guys around me. I made good friends and my mother told me one day that my husband would likely come from my group of friends. Sometime into my good friendships, it was clear that I enjoyed spending time with some more than others, so I subjected each of my preferred friends to my ‘love glasses’ test. That helped me narrow down my options.

After my first degree, I met another interesting person… He was fun to be with but I didn’t know him well enough. Some old family friend also showed up and was acting like he had clear intentions to marry me but didn’t quite say anything – time wasters. But he didn’t succeed in wasting my time. I tactfully interviewed him one evening and found out his intentions didn’t match his actions at all. I prayed for clarity and I remember asking God to keep all the wrong people from asking me out, just to eliminate confusion.

Those prayers paid off. Over the years, my desires became so refined and so clear. I knew exactly what I was looking for, like the specifications of a good car. I was also able to observe so many of those qualities in one particular friend of mine. Initially, I would pray, ‘God I want a man who is this and that, and looks like this or that…’ but one day, it became so clear, I said ‘God, I want Kingsley!’ and I told God why.

Time passed and we became even better friends and then one day, Kingsley asked me out. He thought I would ask him for two weeks or two months to pray about it as was often heard in our circles but I totally shocked him by saying ‘YES’ right there. I had been praying for years… I already knew the answer and was just waiting patiently for him to man up and take our relationship to the next level.

The rest, as they say, is history. It’s been eight years now and I’ve come to realize that prayer doesn’t just come in handy in finding the love of your life, you need it for your life as a whole. So we still pray and I’m ever so glad because God still hears and answers when we call.


My Love Glasses

‘Love is blind, but marriage opens the eye’. That’s what my Social Studies teacher once said. He said many other things but this one has remained with me since. So from my teenage years, I told myself ‘my love must wear glasses’.

I knew this special ‘love glasses’ could not be prescribed by an optometrist so I came up with my own strategy for improving my sight in preparation for love’s arrival. What better way? INFORMATION! I read every good book I could find on relationships – Boy meets Girl, Finding the Love of your Life, and so on. I was better able to tell what attributes were good and needful and able to identify red flags. I was armed and ready for battle. Yes oh – it’s a serious battle for peace of mind and happiness in your future.

I wasn’t going to numb my brain just because some guy who was tall, dark and handsome said ‘hello’ to me. In fact, I didn’t want ‘dark’ because I couldn’t imagine giving birth to a dark baby. I wanted ‘a shade darker than my complexion’. Oh yes. I had my list; everything was written out clearly in my journal. I took time to define what I wanted before the time came to choose so that there would be no confusion there, and as I grew older and wiser, I revised that list. Things like ‘must have side burns’ were replaced by things like ‘must have the same or similar values’.

You know it is written ‘He that finds a wife finds a good thing…’ but that doesn’t mean the woman will blindly follow anyone who finds her. I kept my brain actively engaged. I learnt that there was no such thing as ‘Mr. Perfect’. You just have to know all the pros and cons, and then evaluate the cons to see if you can live with them for the rest of your life and still be cool. That helped in my decision making. I believe you see this requires careful study of the ‘subject’ or ‘prospect’. It’s actually some kind of science project.

Sometimes people rush into marriage for one reason or the other even when they have strong reservations. They fail to realize that they will probably have a long time to live with that person. I don’t agree with the idea of ‘managing’ a spouse. I mean, it’s not just about you. It’s about your children; that is if you plan to have them. Do you want your children to be like this person or have this person as a parent? Have you also thought about how this spouse will affect your plans and aspirations… or do you just plan to ship out when the going gets tough? They say time goes by quickly when you’re having fun. Imagine how it’ll be when you’re not.

Everybody says knowledge is power and we spend time empowering ourselves to have a successful career and so on… but people often neglect preparing for love. And that is serious because it can land you in a situation where you wake up sometime after the wedding, and according to my husband, you’ll find yourself wondering what you really did when you said ‘I DO’.

Don’t let your love be blind.

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