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When we talk about hazards in the home, our minds go to wet floors, sharp objects, tall and unsecured furniture, harmful chemicals, hot liquids, gas cookers, electricity outlets, and so on. Our concerns here are mostly physical but there’s more to worry about.
I heard about a young boy who got an indepth exposure to information about sex right in the safety of his home. He loves to read and randomly picked a book from the shelf one day when he was bored. He had exhausted all his books. Page by page, he was drawn into this mysterious world and being totally unprepared for this, his inquisitiveness got the better of him. He now knows a lot, actually too much.
His parents had tried to create a safe haven for him – parental control on DSTV, restricted and monitored internet access, a good school and a close watch on his association so they could influence him to dissociate from bad company. So far, they had done a good job but they were unaware of a hazard that existed right in their home.
You see, a number of couples have books they bought in their early years of marriage to educate them and enable them achieve sexual satisfaction and bliss in their union. Marriage counselors have these books too. At first there’s no problem, but as time goes by, kids are born and kids grow and learn to read two letter words, then three, then everything. Soon enough, they have their own books and you allocate some space to them on the bookshelf, with your books on the highest levels. But they grow, and these days they grow tall pretty quickly (or they climb on something) and one day they venture toward daddy’s books… and the rest is history.
I had a close call today. My 7 year old came to my room to chill while I was wondering what to write about today. Next thing, she picked up a book titled ‘A celebration of sex for newlyweds’ by Dr. Douglas Rosenau. I saw her just as she was opening the book and I said, ‘hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Drop that book NOW!’ There… something to write about and an assignment for me – Relocate all such books to a secure location and while reading them, temporarily store in a secure location.
Parents… beware of this hazard in the home.
So here’s my question to you – Where’s that book?
Picture credit: websitehome.co.uk
When we talk about hazards in the home, our minds go to wet floors, sharp objects, tall and unsecured furniture, harmful chemicals, hot liquids, gas cookers, electricity outlets, and so on. Our concerns here are mostly physical but there’s more to worry about.
I heard about a young boy who got an indepth exposure to information about sex right in the safety of his home. He loves to read and randomly picked a book from the shelf one day when he was bored. He had exhausted all his books. Page by page, he was drawn into this mysterious world and being totally unprepared for this, his inquisitiveness got the better of him. He now knows a lot, actually too much.
His parents had tried to create a safe haven for him – parental control on DSTV, restricted and monitored internet access, a good school and a close watch on his association so they could influence him to dissociate from bad company. So far, they had done a good job but they were unaware of a hazard that existed right in their home.
You see, a number of couples have books they bought in their early years of marriage to educate them and enable them achieve sexual satisfaction and bliss in their union. Marriage counselors have these books too. At first there’s no problem, but as time goes by, kids are born and kids grow and learn to read two letter words, then three, then everything. Soon enough, they have their own books and you allocate some space to them on the bookshelf, with your books on the highest levels. But they grow, and these days they grow tall pretty quickly (or they climb on something) and one day they venture toward daddy’s books… and the rest is history.
I had a close call today. My 7 year old came to my room to chill while I was wondering what to write about today. Next thing, she picked up a book titled ‘A celebration of sex for newlyweds’ by Dr. Douglas Rosenau. I saw her just as she was opening the book and I said, ‘hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Drop that book NOW!’ There… something to write about and an assignment for me – Relocate all such books to a secure location and while reading them, temporarily store in a secure location.
Parents… beware of this hazard in the home.
So here’s my question to you – Where’s that book?
Picture credit: websitehome.co.uk
‘That means I’m in love with about five ladies’…
My dad’s late. That’s why he spoke of permission from my mum. These statements seemed to hold a lot of promise but hey, they came from Timbo, so I documented them and carried on using my head.
Easter came around and some friends of mine returned from school. We always took advantage of birthdays and holidays to hangout. Our parents knew the drill already and even if there was no money for a party, you were sure to have this group of friends at your house on your birthday. Even if all you had to offer was water, we would still show up. Our favorite activity was the hot seat because the celebrant had to answer every question asked; it was a good way to get to know a lot about our friends. That Easter we planned to meet at one of the parks in Abuja.
Everything was set but just a day to the event, Timbo asked me to go out with him the following day. He sounded like it was important. I was keeping my options open so I agreed, just in case. I figured I could meet up with my friends later and I thought they wouldn’t miss me as much compared to Timbo if I let him spend the day alone. I wondered about this outing. I allowed myself drift a little. He had mentioned a different park, I assumed there was somewhere quiet where we could sit and talk. I really wanted to know what was on this guy’s mind.
Well, time came and we left for the park. When we arrived, he began searching for some people. I didn’t know what to expect but was extremely disappointed when he found his group of friends, quite a number, and quickly introduced me to them. It seemed he met them at Church or something. They were total strangers to me and that didn’t feel good at all. Where was I to start from… and they were going all over the park in their cliques, I couldn’t even remember their names. I thought Timbo who brought me into this mess would at least stay with me and be the link between me and the rest of his friends but noooo… that was too much to expect. He left me all alone and came back a few times during our stay there to check on me. I wished I could leave but for some reason I can no longer recall, I stayed till it was time for everyone to leave. I spent most of the time wishing I was with my friends and upset that Timbo withheld from me the information about it being a group outing.
Weeks went by and the date for my return to school for my final year drew near. I wanted to know for sure what Timbo had in mind so that I would know how to respond if anyone tried to ask me out in school. You know how it is, in final year some guys find their voices, clear their throats and say stuff like ‘you know, I loved you from the moment I first saw you, but I had to focus on my academics… now that we’re about to leave school, will you go out with me?’ and so on and so forth. So since he wasn’t coming out clean on the matter, I decided I would tactfully get the information I required from him. This is how it went:
One Saturday he asked me to accompany him to lunch saying he didn’t want to eat alone. I had already eaten at home so I had a glass of water while he ate. I began my line of questioning by asking him if he was in a relationship with anyone. He said he had different relationships with different people. Okay, ‘have you ever been in love before?’ I asked. ‘In love? What does it mean to be in love?’ He asked. At this point, I didn’t know if he was serious or joking; I couldn’t imagine that he didn’t know what it meant. I calmly explained to the best of my ability – ‘you know, when you always want to be with a particular person, you think of them almost all the time when they are not with you, you can’t wait to see them again, you enjoy their company so much, and you’re always on the look out for opportunities to give to them or do something that will make them happy.’ I hoped my response was good enough but nothing could have prepared me for his. ‘Hmn…’ He muttered. ‘That means I’m in love with about five ladies – Gloria, Emediong, Mabel, Helen and you’. What! He even had the audacity to count me in the number. Ha! Number 5.
At this point I was so irritated. Everything within me said, ‘pick up that glass of water and baptize him back to his senses’ but the love of Christ constrained me. At least he was blunt enough to tell the truth and help me realize that there was no light at the end of this tunnel. I concealed my displeasure and changed the subject. I counted down to the last ball of ‘eba’ he swallowed and said thank you and goodbye when he dropped me at home. Yes, goodbye, ‘good riddance to bad rubbish’ as a friend in school often said.
A few days later I returned to school. He came to mind every now and then. I thought I wouldn’t miss him at all, but to some extent I did. I guess my journaling and trying to be objective about the whole thing helped but didn’t shield me completely from the fondness that could develop as a result of communicating frequently with someone and hearing them say certain things. Though I tried to consider them untrue, it seems a part of me held out hope that he meant what he said. I was slightly disappointed but grateful to God that I had put those restraints in place. Without them, I would have been dealing with a serious heartbreak in my final year. Can you just imagine that?
I thought of other ladies that he could be treating the same way – maybe the other four he named – and decided to send him a mail. In summary, I told him not to hang around ladies and create the impression that he’s interested in marrying them and say things to buttress the point if he has no intention of this sort. He said he was just being friendly and apologized. Then he sent me a mail one day saying he had been somewhere near my home and had thought of stopping by to see my mother. I said, ‘for what? please do not go to my house for anything…’ What would he have gone as? Friend, very caring friend, suitor, neighbor or what? Abeg, I had had enough. Funny enough, that’s the last time we were in touch.
Maybe he was actually being friendly, maybe he really meant no harm, but there comes a time in a woman’s life when guys shouldn’t be hanging around them so much if they have no plan to marry them. Some guys are so much in a woman’s space that other genuine prospects back off because they think she’s already taken. They just stay there and spoil her chances. Then they wake up one morning and happily inform her – after she’s waited patiently for years hoping that one day he’ll ask her to marry him – that they’re getting marring to someone else.
Some ladies also find it hard to move on when a man is marking time around them, especially when he has some of those features that they desire in a husband. But if there’s any truth in your relationship with that person, you should be able to ask real questions that will help you analyze your situation and decide whether you want to stay or move on. You should be able to ask, after sometime of ‘being friends’ and the guy saying nothing, questions such as:
and so on. Their answers will help you know what to do with your own life. But for goodness sake, don’t put your life on hold because of some guy who hasn’t said ‘Jack’. Some of them even become possessive, controlling, demanding and jealous…. Let’s not even go there.
Please, tell your sisters and your friends. This thing called LOVE… women have to go beyond emotions and engage their brains. Be objective, think, rationalize. This is not a ‘love is blind’ matter. Your love must wear glasses. Look well and don’t let anybody waste your time. Your time is your life.
“That means I’m in love with about five ladies’. Yes, that’s what he said.
I’ve been waiting for the right time to share this experience. I think it’s time now. I thought this matter of time wasters would have faded into almost non-existence but from what I hear, it’s still on, big time, and some ladies are getting caught in their webs. Let me tell you about my encounter with one. I’ll call him Timbo.
In the early nineties, my family moved into a rented house. A few weeks in, we got acquainted with our neighbors and one of them was Timbo. He was older by a few years and seemed like a very focused individual. The way he headed out to school each morning seemed to shout ‘I’m on a mission. I don’t have time to play. I’m going somewhere to make a difference’. That was admirable. As years passed we had a few opportunities to chat outside when power failure forced most people out of their homes. Back then in our part of the country, not many people had power generators, so we would spend the time outside chatting with neighbors till NEPA decided to smile on us or till it was too late to remain outside.
One day, Timbo left for the 1-year National Youth Service Program. I sent a message or two to him while he was away but got no response. I thought we were friends enough for him to respond but I guess I was wrong. I was disappointed but hey… I moved on. Months later, he came to town but didn’t stop by to say ‘Hi’. I wondered about that.
Soon enough I also left town. Academic pursuits found me in Niger state, about 800km from home. I met a number of people and made good friends and by the time I was in my fourth year, I went for the compulsory Students Industrial Work Experience Program and eventually found a placement in Abuja. One day, I got a call from Timbo. He said he was posted to the Abuja Branch of his office and didn’t know anywhere in town. He was trying to settle in and wanted to know where I lived. I gave him the address, ended the call and sat back to think about all that had happened in the past. I wasn’t going to make myself vulnerable this time.
I picked up my journal and summarized our history. Then I outlined some rules of engagement to guide me as we reconnected. The points included stuff like do not allow yourself get carried away, be very observant, guard your heart, beware – he may disappear again’. He showed up all smiles. Everyone was happy to see him, our long lost neighbor. He looked well, was well dressed and seemed to have money now. Good for him. We chatted a bit and he left, then I made my journal entries on the subject.
He began to call me on the phone almost every morning just after arriving his office; he would call again at close of business. A few times he stopped by to see me during lunch and would say something like ‘Work today’s so stressful, I just needed to see your face. Now I can go back and continue working’. Well, work was worth his while because a few months in, he bought his first car. It was small, but fit for purpose. His frequent calls and visits were beginning to leave an impression on people’s minds. A few assumed he was ready to settle down and was looking for a wife. I tried not to jump to conclusions.
In the course of our many conversations, he said a few things that made me think he was beating about the bush on the ‘marriage matter’. Here are the ones I can recall:
….
To be continued….
Picture credit: www.affirmationpod.com
Another item on my list was intelligence because I wanted to be completely understood by my spouse. For this reason, one of my goals was to ensure, before saying ‘Yes’ to a prospect, that we weren’t too far apart on the intelligence scale. For me, tall, dark and handsome wasn’t enough so I was on the lookout for brain matter. I believed there had to be more than just good looks to make a relationship work.
I had heard about a few embarrassing accounts that happened because of huge IQ gaps between couples and I didn’t want to experience such. If we were out with friends or colleagues, I wanted to be confident that he wouldn’t say anything to make me want to hide under a table in shame. I also wanted an excellent other perspective to issues I would deliberate and decide to share with my spouse.
A friend from school told me about an older man she was going out with. Her dad had warned her about this intelligence matter but she didn’t pay any attention until the day she heard something unpleasant and went to confront him about it. As she expressed herself, she said she wanted to hear from the horse’s mouth. ‘Are you calling me a horse?’ He blurted out in response. LOL. That marked the beginning of the end of that relationship.
In our circle of friends, we had a number of those discussions on burning issues and we were always on opposing sides. That gave me a chance to experience a different side of him. Critical reasoning, methodical evaluation, systematic analysis of the subject matter were easy for him, and it was simply beautiful. So I concluded that submission wouldn’t be such a problem since I would be giving in to a superior argument or a sensible alternative.
One time he shared his semester results with me and I couldn’t help but be please at his excellent performance. He checked out here as well. Great stuff! Husband material!
One beautiful evening, I sat by my window and discussed with all the people who came to see me. It was my birthday and as expected, I had several guests. I typically hosted my female friends inside my hostel but guys were not allowed because of the religious beliefs in that part of the country. As a result, a young lady sitting at the corner of the room and talking to someone on the other side of the window wasn’t a strange sight at all. It was part of the process in testing if your prospect was ‘husband material’.
I hoped a few people would come by. In fact, I hoped three people in particular would come by before the day ended. Thankfully, they all did and one of them was a young man named Kingsley. He was a good friend and we had really interesting conversations. He had the usual very wide smile on his face and a mischievous glint in his eyes that night. We chatted for a while then he said he had to rush off and just wanted to deliver a gift someone asked him to give me.
I wished he could stay a little longer but I didn’t have the ‘right’ to ask him to. We were just friends and I didn’t want to say anything that would give away the way I really felt about him. He had to be the one to take the lead in this matter – that was my resolve. After he left, I settled down, opened the gift and found that there were several layers of wrapping paper with a hand written note after each one. I wondered who the gift was from and eventually a letter ‘y’ on the fifth note gave him away. It was from Kingsley after all; he had tried to change his writing to keep me in suspense till I got to the last note.
Beneath the last wrap, I found a final note and a devotional for women. It was old. That made me wonder. He later explained that he really wanted to get me a gift, but he was broke. So he went to a bookstore in town and bought the book for a price he could afford. It wasn’t expensive but he had succeeded in turning it into an unforgettable gift. I thought to myself – this is someone you could live happily with in times when you have plenty and in times when you don’t have so much. Husband material!
With barely a month to the wedding, Kingsley went house hunting. He would call to ask my opinion as he went about and when he finally found the house he felt would do for our first home, he scheduled a meeting with the agent so I could see it before the rental deal was sealed. The landlord had some renovating to do to make it ready and it was clear we wouldn’t have time to furnish it before the wedding but we were happy and totally at peace about this house.
We decided we weren’t going into any debt in the name of having an elaborate wedding ceremony. We worked with our budget and with some benevolence from friends and relatives. We weren’t under any pressure and we refused to be put under pressure by well meaning loved ones who tried to push for more guests, souvenirs, a longer train, and so on. We would rather have a small wedding, than have a big one and then go home to weeks of being unable to meet our basic needs.
A few days of compassionate leave made it possible to travel to Abuja with some time left for last minute preparations for the wedding – hair, dress fitting, and our pre-marital counselling crash course. Yep! Crash course – it was done and dusted in less than four hours. You see, our residing in different cities and the moves to Lagos just before the wedding made it logistically impossible to fit into our home Church’s counselling sessions. No adhoc session was organized either. Another church was kind enough to organize this crash course for us and it was a blast. The pastor confirmed that we had read wide on the subject of relationships and marriage so he focused on critical issues – money, sex, love, submission, and God. Then he sent us to a hospital for the pre-marital medicals. That pastor really took a chance on us, and I’m glad we didn’t disappoint him.
I woke up on Saturday, December 22, 2007 and said to myself, ‘I am getting married todaaaayy!’ I was determined to be absolutely happy for the entire day. No photographer, MC or DJ was going to upset me. I got up, got ready and left for Church. Our family members and friends showed up from across the Country and we had a happy celebration, after which we retired to the Chancellery Hotels in Abuja for our very brief honeymoon cum Christmas holiday. We were both due back at work on Thursday, December 27.
We travelled back to Lagos the day after Christmas and I received great news from my office – my leave had been extended and I was to resume on January 2, 2008. God was gracious. Over the weekend, we got the keys from the landlord and moved into our home. We moved in with two suitcases – one for me & one for my husband – and a newly purchased mattress which served as couch, dining table/chair and bed. For the first few nights, my wrappers served as drapes and we had the most fun in an empty house. Now I completely understand that song by Nadia Fay that says ‘Home is where you are, home is where I wanna be, wherever you are, you can come home to me’.
That’s how we began our journey together… and now, mops, brooms, pots, plates, cutlery, curtains, TV, furniture, cars, and three wonderful children later, all we can say is ‘God has been good to us’ and we are ever so grateful for His first show of love to us in sending his only son to die for us in order to redeem us even when we didn’t deserve it or ask for it… even when we didn’t realise we needed saving. And now that same love overflows in our hearts, helping us to love each other through thick and thin, and to forgive each other again and again.
This journey is still on and we’re enjoying every bit of it.
A lot was happening all at once. 2007 turned out to be quite a year. Could it be because I wrote out all those interesting items on my list of things to accomplish in 2007? Could it be that in addition to dreaming and planning, I was praying for those wonderful things to happen? Could it be that heaven actually paid attention and dispatched resources to grease the wheels of fortune and make those dreams come true?
Well there’s more. Sometime before our moves to Lagos, Kingsley came to Abuja to visit his parents. Then he made our engagement official by informing them that ‘Annie’, the young lady they knew very well, was the one he wanted to marry. It wasn’t a shock to any of them. We were both part of a group of friends from school who were connected mainly by music. Some were instrumentalists, and some were singers. We were all in the choir and we all lived in Abuja. So we would troop to each person’s house on their birthdays if it fell during the holidays, make a lot of noise, eat whatever was available and just make sure the celebrant felt valuable, loved and appreciated. Our parents knew our friends, so Kingsley’s parents knew me.
Funny enough, whenever we had debates in the group, Kingsley always supported the opposition… and on one occasion, Daniel said ‘Hmn… Annie & Kingsley… I wonder where you people’s ‘continued rivalry’ will lead’. He had a good laugh when he eventually heard we were planning to get married. I, for one, was impressed with Kingsley’s engaging and sometimes superior argument. It made for good conversation.
His dad sat down and questioned him in my presence. Is this what you want? Are you sure you are ready for this? To all these he replied in the affirmative. You see, his dad used to say concerning men, ‘If you don’t want any trouble in life, don’t get married. If you feel you are man enough to handle some trouble, marry just one wife; but if you want more trouble than you can handle, marry more than one wife’. His opinion was that one woman has all the joy, wisdom, love, encouragement, and trouble a man needs to become all that he should be.
I provided the contact details for necessary engagements with my family and we let the elders handle the rest of the discussion. The introduction took place before we moved to Lagos and November 24 was set for the traditional marriage. This was going to be barely a month from our resumption dates. My ever so warm and loving cousins welcomed me into home for that period while Kingsley lived in his family’s Lagos abode.
As was expected, we didn’t get any time off work to plan for or finalize the traditional marriage arrangements. We relied on our family members to help us with that. Our bosses were kind enough to let us work half the day on Friday, November 23. At 12noon, we both set out from our offices, met at the airport, boarded the plane to Calabar, and then got on a bus which left for Uyo at about 4pm. Unfortunately, a trailer had fallen along the way and caused a serious road block. The traffic was so bad, we got to Uyo at midnight, six hours later than we should have.
My brothers picked us up, dropped me at my Uncle’s house and took Kingsley with them to another cousin’s home where they spent the night. The next day, all required members from both families and guests convened at my father’s village home for the traditional marriage. Everything went well, and as our custom is, my people sent me off that same night. I joined my husband, his family, and their team of friends and well wishers on a road trip to their base. Early Sunday morning, we left for Lagos by bus, and on Monday we were back at our desks as if nothing had happened over the weekend. What a rush!
Now we had one major event left before year end – The Church Wedding. The date was set – December 22, 2007.
To be continued…
No, I didn’t want to leave my sweetheart… but I had to. It was a painful decision to make. I had experienced a miracle and now it was time for me to do my part.
I always wanted a Masters’ degree and after the required exams to study in the US, I was asked to send my result to three schools of my choice. A few weeks, later, I got a message from one school to pay a fee of seventy five dollars for my application to be processed. Believe it or not, $75 was an impossible amount for my family to come up with at that time. If we couldn’t even pay the processing fee, how would we pay the tuition and handle the other financial needs?
I prayed a simple prayer in the bathroom when I got back from the cyber cafe… God I want to do my Masters and the only way it will happen is if you make a way because we can’t afford it…. I also put in a few lines about what I would like to study. Some weeks to months later, my sister found out about a scholarship opportunity. I got the forms, took the test and was one of the hundred awardees that year. The Petroleum Technology Development Fund (PTDF) handled all the application processing and logistics and they covered every single expense – air fares, lodging, feeding, warm clothing, computing devices, communication costs and so on. We were totally pampered by the Nigerian Government.
So off I went to Europe. Kingsley, along with my family and a few friends, saw me off to the airport. Many big hugs later, I joined two other scholars and we boarded the plane. I had a picture of Kingsley and myself nicely framed. I wasn’t going to forget his face for any reason whatsoever. It had a permanent position on my bedside table. I also went along with all the love notes he had written to me. I think that is a fine art that is getting lost in this era of much easier communication.
I took time to write down my dream for 2007 – from graduating with distinction, to returning to Nigeria, getting a job, getting married to Kingsley, and so on. I pasted it on the wall in my room. A friend of mine came into my room and had a good laugh when she saw it. Then she asked the rest of our Nigerian colleagues to pray for me so Kingsley wouldn’t break my heart. They all knew where my heart was.
Staying in touch was hard. At first I had to go out in the cold to make calls, then later we had skype in Europe but it wasn’t really working back home… then I started getting tired of having to recount my experiences over the phone. I wished he could be there to share those moments with me. So I prayed again. This time I said, ‘Dear Lord, I really want to live with my husband after we get married. I don’t want to have to do a long distance marriage. I don’t want us to be apart… Please make a way’.
February 2007 came and I returned to Nigeria. My fellow scholars and I were super excited. People wondered about that. I don’t know why the others were excited but I was going to see Kingsley after so long and remember my dream? All those wonderful things were to happen in Nigeria in 2007. So, yes! I was excited.
To be continued…
People always talk about ‘chemistry’ in love relationships but who would have thought Physics had a role to play in matters of the heart? “Like poles repel and unlike poles attract… so make sure you marry a tall man”. That’s what my physics teacher said to me one day as he provided clues to help me solve a problem. I laughed and left his office but that word was planted like a seed in my mind. I was going to marry a tall man so my kids would be privileged to see the world from a more elevated perspective than mine. I made sure I didn’t give any guy who wasn’t tall a chance to win my affection.
You see, even in business, we keep the future in mind when considering partnerships. What is the other party bringing to the table? What value will they add? Will they help or hurt the vision of the company? I took time to know myself and identify my deficiencies, then I did my best to become better in areas where improvement was possible, and to be on the lookout for someone who could complement me in those areas I had no control over.
The fact is that no one is perfect, so even in love relationships, we need to keep synergy in mind. No matter how wonderful you are, you should marry someone with whom you can bring about better results, higher returns, more stability, more influence, and so on. Both parties should be better off as a result of the union. Your mate should really bring out the best in you. As iron sharpens iron, couples should sharpen and influence each other toward increased effectiveness.
This goes on throughout the life of the marriage and because we’re thinking as a team with a common agenda rather than as distinct entities chasing our individual ambitions, we draw on each other’s strengths to make us and our family as a whole better.
So here’s a call to you to look out for and maximise synergy opportunities in your relationships and in your life as a whole. Happy Hunting.
Anietie Bature is a lively and effervescent woman who loves bringing value to others in every way she can and has the opportunity to. She expresses ... Read More.
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